


plant vampires vegetarian thingy

by milk_and_glitter



Category: Gerard Butler (RPF), Labyrinth (1986), Loren Coleman (RPF), MIKA (Musician) RPF, Phantom of the Opera (2004), Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Crack, Gen, I'm not sorry tho, also i just really like gerard butler i guess, bill nye isn't in this but he should be, but like seriously he's in this twice??, but like vegetarian plant vampires, guess what two of my favorite movies are lol, he's a scientist he wouldn't just jump to conclusions like that, hopefully i'll finish it at some point?, i almost put the title as planet vampires instead of plant vampires, i think i'll update this as i go, in chapter 4 especially, maybe i'll add some space stuff later, mika gets his teeth stuck in a tree, ooc loren coleman, temporal anomalies are not mentioned but definitely present
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:33:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7856473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milk_and_glitter/pseuds/milk_and_glitter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>uhhh... so yeah i had an idea and i wrote it</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I've spent the last six (I think? Maybe? Something like that? I really don't know actually) months searching for clues about a particularly elusive cryptid -- the salad vampire. 

All my research has led me to Ballard. In an attempt to blend in with the locals, I purchased the traditional garb of this culture. Clad in my new sweater and watch cap, I approached the locals for information. Surprisingly, I was almost immediately directed to one site known for its almost daily sightings of the cryptid I was after. 

The first thing I noticed upon arrival was a group of individuals in rather garish clothing. One was wearing hot pink jeans and a t-shirt appearing to be made entirely of glitter, and another had on a cloak and a rather peculiar white mask. Another, who bore a striking resemblance to the one in the cloak, wore a lab coat and bowtie -- hold on a minute, was he dressed up as Bill Nye? was conversing with an individual in a sort of dark orange jumpsuit, perhaps a uniform. The last three were equally oddly clothed. One had on some sort of fancy gown, and another was in tights, boots, a ruffled shirt, and a massive spiky wig. The remaining one seemed rather out of place in jeans and a buttoning white shirt. 

Could these be the salad vampires I had devoted my life to finding?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok the phantom of the opera 2004 soundtrack is great i love it

I approached the one closest to me, the one with the pink jeans. 

“Are you a salad vampire?” I asked him.

“I guess you could say that,” he said. “I've never heard that word used though. We normally say plant vampire. Why, are you one too? Hey, you should totally come on our veggie vampire adventures tonight!”

“Oh, ahh, that's ok, I'm not really--”

“Hey guys, another one of us showed up!” he said. “Wait, what's your name?”

“Loren,” I said. “Loren Coleman.”

“This is Loren Coleman!” he said. He turned to me. “That's Andy, and Christine, and Gerard Butler, and Jareth, and Major Kira Nerys, and I'm Mika, and that's the Phantom of the Opera, I think his real name's Erik?”

“Nice to meet you all,” I said.


	3. Chapter 3

That night I arrived to find most of the people from earlier decked out in glow sticks. 

Mika bounced over, dragging Andy behind him. “Hey! I wasn't sure you were coming!” he said. “We're still waiting for Jareth and the Gerards or Gerard and Erik, however you want to think of them. It's hide and seek night!”

“Isn't it always hide and seek night?” Andy said. 

“No, sometimes it's capture the flag or scavenger hunts or hockey.”

This was not what I had expected from salad vampires. I had been quite sure i would find them in modern overpriced coffee shops or juice bars. 

“Anyway, do you like smoothies or juice better?” Mika asked me. 

“What?”

“We've moved on from feeding directly from trees,” he said. “I mean, this is Seattle, we have lots of opportunity to get liquid plant-based food. Even Starbucks has kale smoothies.”

“Wait, so, we're playing hide and seek?” I asked. I felt like i perhaps shouldn't reveal my true identity of a non-salad vampire. They seemed quite harmless, but I didn't want to disappoint them. 

“Yeah!” Mika said. “The three of us should follow Gerard 2/Erik when he hides, he always wins. Unless Major Kira's seeking, then she always wins. And Jareth always cheats but he never manages to win.”

“Ok,” I said. Hide and seek at night with glow sticks? This seemed like it might be rather fun.


	4. Chapter 4

“Ready or not, here I come!” Major Kira yelled in the distance. 

The four of us snickered. She'd never find us in our clever hiding spot. Well, one of Gerard II/Erik’s hiding spots. We were stashed in a thick cluster of trees, invisible from the outside. In fact, from the outside it looked like a single tree. I was most interested by this. It appeared that spacial and dimensional manipulation were among salad vampires’ powers. 

Gerard 2/Erik opened a wooden mini fridge cleverly worked into the décor of the room. He passed around cans of some sort of vegetable drink. 

I tried mine. It was… interesting. It tasted vaguely like cabbage. 

Andy took a sip of his and made a face. “I hate the pine ones,” he said. “Wanna trade?”

We swapped cans. This one was definitely better. “So how does the conversion process work with sa-- I mean plant vampires?” I asked. 

“Did you get turned without knowing?” Mika said. “It works through sharing food. If you drink something that one of us has already had part of you get turned.”

I swallowed. I was starting to feel rather peculiar. 

“Speaking of food,” Mika continued, “let's try the old-fashioned way.”

“What feeding directly from trees?” Andy said. “What's next, eating bugs and wood chips?”

“Don't be silly, bugs aren't vegetarian,” Mika said. “Anyway, we've got a bunch of trees and Major Kira isn't gonna find us for ages. We might as well do something interesting.”

He looked over the trees and chose a skinny greyish one with pointy leaves. “Maples are supposed to taste better than most of the others, right?”

“Maybe?” Andy said. “At least they're not toxic as far as I know.”

Gerard II/Erik rustled his cape in a rather dramatic phantom-y operatic way. 

Mika leaned over and bit the tree. 

We waited for a few moments. 

“So, what's it like?” Andy asked. 

Mika didn't say anything but he made a distressed noise. 

“I can't tell what you said,” Andy said. “Maybe if you took your teeth out of the tree?”

Mika made another noise and struggled, apparently trying to pry his mouth off the tree. 

“Are you stuck?” I asked. 

Andy buried his face in his hands in a perfect Captain Picard facepalm. “Why does this always happen?”

Gerard 2/Erik rustled importantly. 

“You're right,” Andy said. “We should wait for Major Kira to find us. I'm sure she can fix this.”

Mika protested to the best of his ability. 

“It's not like we're letting her win,” Andy said. “We're just asking for her help after she finds us. Can you think of any other way of getting you unstuck?

"I didn't think so."


End file.
